As the newer generations of Kashmiris get increasingly preoccupied with their lives and careers, a section of society is being left behind. Saima Bhat reports on the neglected senior citizens of Kashmir.
Octogenarian Fatima lives in her 37-year-old divorced daughter Shaheena’s house at Zoonimar. Before moving in into her daughter’s house, the mother of two sons and three daughters lived alone.
“My daughter may provide me the last drop of water on my deathbed, this may be why she came back,” says Fatima. Shaheena is divorced, with two children aged 10 and 15.
The family of four lives in a “two-room” house where only a six by seven-foot room is functional and a small corridor serves as a kitchen. The other room is just four walls. The house is bereft of a latrine. A bathroom came after five years of struggle.
Fatima once lived happily with her husband, Khalil Muhammad Bhat, and their children. Khalil used to process Pashmina thread. “Those days such shawls were either exported or bought by rich people as these were very expensive,” says Fatima. Khalil’s earnings were sufficient for the family until he died of a heart attack, leaving Fatima to fend for their family.
Both of Fatima’s sons had dropped out of school when they were still in 5th and 4th grade, and her daughters did not go to school at all. All her daughters started doing embroidery on rugs and clothes from a tender age. For the next ten years, things returned to a relative normal life. Fatima married off her children at very young ages. Her daughters contributed for their own marriages.
Fatima believes her “life changed” when her second son Nisar Ahmad and her youngest daughter Shaheena got married. After nine months of her marriage, Shaheena delivered a baby boy, but 39 days later her husband Ishtiyaq Ahmad died in a road accident. Shaheena first decided to live with her in-laws but later returned to her home. “They (her in-laws) poisoned my son to get rid of him, so that I could not claim any share in the property,” says Shaheena. The child survived and she returned to her parents’ place. She later remarried.
When things seemed to settle down, another shocker came from her elder son Firdous. He sold the family house. Fatima says, “His (Firdous’s) wife was the main culprit who will cook up stories and instigate him against me besides she will visit soothsayers practicing witchcraft.” Rendered homeless, the other siblings got a share of Rs 50,000 each and Fatima nothing, “you don’t have any right over this property,” Fatima was told by her son, Firdous.
In the meantime, Nisar Ahmad arranged a house on rent but his attitude towards his mother changed, which Fatima believes was because of his wife. Recalling his behavior Fatima says, “He used to avoid me and keep silent in front of me- that was killing. I decided to leave that place and live where I won’t be dishonored.”
She shifted to a rented room, making her living by spinning wheel. Feeling her helplessness, the landlord did not charge her anything, but, after one year the house was sold off leaving her homeless.
Fatima’s misery coincided with Shaheena’s, as her second husband from whom she had a daughter, divorced her. The mother of two returned to her homeless mother. They rented a room, only to be dislodged after some time as this house also was sold off.
With Rs 50,000 from her parents’ property and Rs. 40,000 arranged by selling her jewellery, Shaheena purchased a small piece of land for Rs. 70,000. Later they gave a contract of Rs 12,000 to a mason to build a shelter for them. A two-room home was built for them without any kitchen or washroom.
Unable to pay for electricity, their house reeled under darkness until a neighbour gave them a connection to light their room.
Fatima gets her monthly stock from a local NGO but that doesn’t suffice their needs and till the end of the month, they have to skip either dinner or lunch or both. Shaheena earns 60 rupees a week for the embroidery she does, and Fatima continues to spin the wheel. “We have to struggle for everything,” says Fatima.
Deserted by sons, she still keeps track of them. Fatima remains restless in the evenings wondering if her sons have reached home safely. Every night she prays for them. She commands respect in her present locality, but she feels guilty. “People here respect me but what respect actually do I have? I feel dishonoured because my own children, my sons disowned me.” Her grandson keeps asking her why she keeps praying for her sons when they did wrong to her but she replies him, “My younger son was not like this, he used to take care of me but then he was eaten by his wife.”
Fatima is suffering from many ailments. Shaheena has some gynaecological problems and her son has a post-circumcision cut on his urinary tract. They don’t have money to treat their ailments.
She prays for a quick death. “I don’t have money for treatment, so I should die suddenly,” she says. “My only fear is how my daughter can manage and arrange to take my body to the graveyard and lay me beside her father.”
Sociologists say that youth are not able to balance between values and modernization. Sociologist Dr Bashir Ahmad Dabla says that the increase in not caring for ageing parents is a result of shunning away our own values and trying to imbibe the western culture, “the attitude we have adapted is not compatible with our culture.”
Clinical psychologist Dr Muzaffar says, “Sons should not be held solely responsible for this problem, parents are equally responsible. Some experts held daughter-in-laws 90 per cent responsible for the family rifts claiming a daughter-in-law can never become a ‘daughter.’
Khadija is another elderly old woman living with her daughter and son-in-law. She has five sons and three daughters but when her children were married, her husband Razak distributed the property among his children, and left nothing for him and his wife. After getting a share in the property, no son was willing to keep their old parents with them. On seeing this, their eldest daughter took them to her home.
Razak passed away. “It is a famous saying that a mother of seven sons was eaten by dogs and same thing happened to me,” says Khadija. She recalls how she brought up her children and spent sleepless nights for them. “I still pray for my all children as my sons are still dear to me. I am living happily with my daughter’s family but what aches my heart is when sometimes my daughter-in-law’s parents come and live comfortably with my sons for days together.”
People associated with NGOs which help such lonely senior citizens say these problems are lesser among the people who have been government employees, as they receive the pension and their children don’t see them as a burden.
There are some other cases also where parents are sharing the same house with their children, but everyone is living separately. Mohammad Shabaan has four sons and three daughters. His wife died 15 years ago. Mohammad Shabaan is a rich man and distributed his property amongst his sons and has kept a share for himself as well. He must be in his 80’s. Three years ago, one of his granddaughters (his daughter’s daughter) was getting married and he gave her money for marriage expenses.
Once the event was over, Mohammad Shabaan returned home but to his surprise, he found his sons at the gate. They told him to go to his daughter’s home. “They told me to get out!” he says.
His sons asked him why he gave money (Rs 3 crore) to his daughter. He left and went back to his daughter’s home. Later, after some friends intervened, Mohammad Shabaan was called back when he cleared that he had only given one crore. But since that incident, the old man who cannot do anything of his own, is living separately in the house shared by his sons. “I have four helpers who take care of me, and I have found them more loyal than my own sons. I am now waiting for the day when I will meet their mother, who must be restless there on seeing all this.”
Elaborating on other reasons behind this issue, Dr Dabla cited conflict as the major contributor. “This is the manifestation of the conflict,” he says. “Kashmir has witnessed bloodshed, disappearances, dependence and emergence of widows and half-widows. When children lost their father, it does affect their psyche and they become defiant and insensitive.” He adds that the worst-hit section of this conflict is the youth, and the effects are now visible when they lose love for their own parents.
Dr Muzaffar adds, “This social breakdown and societal mistrust are only due to conflict. These two decades of conflict has totally changed our societal setup.” He also says that the younger generation are moving towards logic where they think of ‘their’ money and ‘their’ time and how on whom and when to spend ‘their’ things.
Dr Muzaffar recalls the moment he received a call of a Kashmiri living overseas, who requested him to go to a particular address and treat an old couple; for which he would be given Rs 1000, even if the treatment costs Rs 100 otherwise. He went there along with his friend on the same day. “It was raining heavily and when we rang the bell for 15 minutes and got no response, we called him back. We told him about the issue and in turn that person phoned his neighbour, who opened the gate for us. When we entered we saw two old people sitting alone.”
When the doctor asked them why they didn’t open the gate they replied, “our servant ran away and it’s just the two of us here, we were ill, so weak and not in a condition to open the door.”
(All the names of cases have been changed)
