Getting Beefy

Arshid Malik

Hurrah! We have come a long way from home. The four legged bovine has metamorphosed into a catastrophe and all this in a region, a place which is known, well-known for its beef eating lore. The affair hit an all-time high with BJP lawmakers going lawless and attacking one Member of the Legislative Assembly typical goon-style. Now the butt of the controversy is that Engineer Rashid hosted a beef party and bragged about it too. This is so typical Engineer Rashid, who always wants the cake and then wants to eat it too. So he got pulped up in the Legislative Assembly which has been a rabbit hole for all kinds of ruckus. But the point is that even if Engineer Sahib had meant to create commotion by way of organizing a beef party he was mortifying the tweaked-up ante of the Bhartiya Janta Party which wants things to get out of hand so that the affair can be hurled up and up like a hot air balloon. It is beef politics and the BJP will do anything to cannibal the issue by way of attacking everyone stick to the other side of the beef debate.

India claims to be a democratic country under the leadership of idiosyncratic hooligans who represent the BJP. Beef or no beef, the country has gone straight to the dogs. If a snobbish leader pointedly commits an act of ridicule he will be beaten to pulp because the country has gone to the dogs. Yes, categorically the country has gone to the dogs and the issue is beef. How beefy can politics get is anyone’s wild guess in a country that has gone to the dogs.

Dear friends, we are witnessing a start on “Hindu Rashtra”. I don’t want to quote someone else’s humour here but I just can’t help it. So here it goes.

What actually is the vision of a Hindu Rashtra is none of my concern here. What my concern is something I needed to borrow lines from the Daily “O” only because my sense of humour is not that deep. 1) Luxury brands will have to stop selling and marketing their usual wares. Instead they will come out with an all new line for the fashionable Hindu youth: think saffron robes, mini saffron robes, deep neck saffron robes, etc. Instead of rubber sandals, you can even sport saffron coloured wooden sandals. Nike’s logo will become a saffron coloured tick. 2) India’s population will decrease by 70 percent since people who did not vote for Narendra Modi or are not true Hindus will be teleported to Pakistan using Vedic maths. Pakistan will become the world’s largest democracy and a secular nation and India will become a Hindu Rashtra. Hence, history will be reversed. 3) All major Western brands for women will shut shop as no jeans and no short clothes will be allowed (understandably so). Only salwar kameez, dupattas and saris will be available. Beauty pageants will be renamed as “Shrimati Bharat” and “Shriman Bharat”. For formal wear, men will be required to consult Baba Ramdev on matters of fashion. 4) Aamir Khan will produce “Ghajini 2”, in which he will change his religion every 15 minutes. Shah Rukh Khan will appear in “My name is Khan not Raj” with a tagline “I am a big terrorist”. Salman Khan will make “Ek Tha Lion” and we will protest like good Hindus because lion is communal, tiger is secular. Ha!

So beef is just a starter and good luck with the rest of the platter. With all due credits to The Daily “O”, MLA Langate, Engineer Rashid is a go and we are in some deep shit.

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