Murmers

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Durdana Bhat

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In the fate of mine, a word faith seems rudderless. Like a gale, it blows in uncertain manner.  And then somehow sadness passes, just for some time. Then a question remains, still: “What it was, why it was, why it happened and will it stay forever?”

You know, someone told me: “Whoever is alone will stay alone, till the dry leaves will blow and winter will come. All of life will keep moving like that.’’

Before a dream dissipated—I felt, a glimpse of life. My life staring at me, like a searchlight. But I was lost in the shadow of sky. Finding the pictures in the cloud, again. Lost on the shore because of the fear of quiet. And was  totally lost in an endlessly deepening minute.

At last, somehow I binned everything in my eyes and slept deep. While I found that I don’t need a life! My life went away to astray. And whispered: “You know, I will never return.” I replied: “In such life, you learn to let go things. And that doesn’t make one weak.”

Last time when I gave up my position on certain idea, I was dubbed: meek. Shall I tell those loudmouths now that sometimes giving up means that one is strong enough to let it go. But I am no more belligerent I used to be. It has all gone with a wind that waved when tempers tried to soar towards a point of no return!

And then, something happened beyond my thought. While I went back with a smile on my face, I was whacked to see a desolation all around. No shadow, no clouds, nothing…

So what is left for me?

“Be quiet, the secret cannot be spoken, it is wrapped in silence,” a voice somewhere inside spoke up. “But tell me about the good days that have gone, or will they return?” I demanded.

“To tell you a bit is to walk in the rain. So be quiet, and watch life going by,  don’t ask,” all demands fell flat.

And then, I realised that I have chosen a tide—a flow, and a drown. Now, my heart reminds me of a murmur: reminds me of that life, when search for self remained untraced! But I didn’t give it a chance. I was too busy in my own thoughts, in my dreams.

How could I dart from this empty world? I thought to myself, let me go, and don’t dare to ask me, why. It’s time to turn back, turn back to dreams.

I shall turn my eyes from the black now. You know, turning eyes is hard dealing. But then, I thought in hush: I had seen, enough. And then, I lost my grip and drowned!

(Durdana Bhat is studying Journalism from Women College, Srinagar)

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About Author

A journalist with seven years of working experience in Kashmir.

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