Life After Heartbreak

By Musheer Ul Haq Manhas

Sometimes this broken heart, says American ordained nun Pema Chödrön, gives birth to anxiety and panic, sometimes to anger, resentment and blame. But under the hardness of that armour, there is the tenderness of genuine sadness, she says. “This continual ache of heart is a blessing that when accepted fully can be shared with all.”

I remember a few weeks ago when I was going through a bad break-up. My engagement had broken. It wasn’t the longest relationship of my life but it was the deepest.  It had so much potential and it ended up in the most cursory of ways.

“You got me – I have broken the engagement.” That’s the only line I remember.

I had noticed that my fiancé from last couple of weeks had been acting ‘strange’ and hence confronted her on it. There was nothing I could do and nowhere I could go.

I felt that burning sensation on the back of my neck and in depth of my heart – only the unimaginable pain. I wasn’t sure what to do next, so I lied upon my bed—heartbroken—for the rest of the day. I spent that week to come plugging along: smoking, skipping meals, assuming that since I hadn’t shed a single tear, everything will be just fine.

But, I was wrong. It wouldn’t!

After bearing unimaginable pain for a week, feeling the fragility and tiredness and wailing because of the gloom descended over my soul – I was literally broken into pieces. A week later, suddenly it hit me: she was gone! And, I was alone.

I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably. I saw no hope, just days and days of pain ahead of me. Death seemed apparent. I was bearing sleepless nights with my heartbeat racing relentlessly. I was noticing nervous breakdown with doctors’ advising me with sleeping pills.

Unfortunately, that would come to be true.

But, why it happened with me? I was accommodating. I was honest with my relationship. I had dreamed of her, for her. I had decided to spill over even last drop of my blood for making her dreams come true. But she cheated on me. She left me. She did this to me. I was the victim. It ended because of her. She ridiculed and abused me of being a wretch with no hopes and career.

I knew these were mere allegations and lame excuses of her to hide her ill intentions. If honest with relationship she would have provided me time to think. But I came to know later she wasn’t. So she didn’t. Sure there were major red flags, but a good partner just ignores them, right?

Sometimes a broken heart isn’t such a bad thing, it can allow more love in than you thought you were capable of.

I made an executive decision to spend some days in remote region of Karnah, Kupwara with my relatives there and hence form a relationship with myself for the first time in life.

There it dawned upon me that after graduation, I had messed up with my life. I didn’t get selected for the Masters’ degree in Kashmir University. I hadn’t completed my tuitions for civil services and even hadn’t made to preliminary examination. I hadn’t done much with my Human Rights cum Community Media Organisation. I had left my distance mode masters degree with IGNOU underway and even abandoned the five times obligatory Nimaz.

They say everything happens for a reason—even bad things. And I truly believe that. Out of the ashes of my sadness and fear rose responsibility, hopes and passion. I started praying five times a day — sometimes offering Tahajjud as well. I rediscovered my love for writing. I mastered in History from IGNOU with a good percentage. I travelled deep inside me and awakened my spirit and passion for doing something great with ‘My Camera’. I quit smoking.

I was finally becoming the person I was supposed to be. I wasn’t lonely. In fact I was less lonely than I’d ever been.

I also realized that I wasn’t victim. All my actions, all my choices, and all their consequences were happening because of me, not just happening to me. I began to notice that my broken heart brought me closer to my career and dreams.

It wasn’t an easy journey, by any means, and it’s far from over. But two months later, I have come a long way. I’m awake, aware and alive.

In my experience, big emotions like heartbreak aren’t meant to be avoided, they are meant to be felt. It’s a bit like standing at the edge of the ocean and having a giant wave come crashing down on you. You can kick and fight and pull against it, but it will only drag you further out to sea.

Instead you can look at it and dive head first coming out the other end, perhaps even feeling refreshed. The same goes for heartbreak. The more you kick and fight against it, the more you will get dragged into the very depths of that misery. The only way is through. You have to let the emotions roll over you like that wave.

Sometimes we must suffer heartbreak to truly open us up and let out all the greatness we hold within us. I’m thankful everyday that my heart was broken. I will never allow it to close back up again.

The author is working with Video Volunteers India as community correspondent for district Shopian