Parenting influences children’s development; extreme control may harm mental health balance and understanding, fostering growth. Batool Andrabi writes about ‘toxic parenting’ in Kashmir
Parenting styles encompass attitudes, parents’ emotions towards child-rearing, and overall behaviour towards children. Researchers assert that an overly controlling approach can significantly impact a child’s psychological development. Many experts see the ‘toxic parenting’ damaging the children instead of helping them choose a better career and life trajectory.
Dr Yuman Kawoos, a Clinical Psychiatrist at the Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences (IMHANS), Srinagar, emphasises the intricate balance required in parenting. “Parenting is a complex responsibility,” she said. “Striking a balance is crucial; neither extreme authoritarianism nor permissiveness is advisable. Open discussions should be encouraged to foster understanding.”
In the study Adolescent Mental Health Following Exposure to Positive and Harsh Parenting in Childhood conducted by Mila Kingsbury et al, it came to light that those children exposed to hostile parenting at the age of three face a 1.5 times higher likelihood of displaying mental health symptoms, meeting high-risk criteria by the age of nine, compared to their counterparts.
A pivotal revelation arising from this research pertains to the enduring vulnerability established in early childhood, leading to the emergence of high-risk symptoms later in life.
Parenting Styles
Psychologists and psychiatrists classify parenting patterns based on extensive research. Two predominant archetypes emerge: authoritarian and permissive. However, in the contemporary parenting landscape, a notable trend surfaces as parents, especially young mothers juggling demanding schedules and domestic responsibilities, grapple with an oscillation between authoritative and permissive styles.
Within this paradigm, some parents redirect their frustrations onto their children, transforming a once nurturing responsibility into a burdensome duty devoid of essential elements such as love and affection.
“Without the freedom to explore, learn, and experiment, children can grow up feeling scared and inadequate,” Dr Susan, a clinical psychologist, said. “Raised by anxious parents who hold them back, they become adults who crave constant guidance and struggle with fear. This creates a dangerous cycle of unhealthy parenting that needs attention.”
Firsthand accounts shed light on a concerning trend where parents compel their children into specific career paths, attempting to realise unfulfilled aspirations through their offspring. Regrettably, the ramifications of this coercive influence were starkly demonstrated in a recent, tragic incident in Srinagar.
Career Choices
Engaging with students reveals the profound consequences that parental decisions can wield over the trajectory of their lives. Instances of stifled aspirations leading to anxiety, depression, and, at times, even contemplation of suicide underscore the gravity of parental pressure on career decisions.
Personal narratives further expose the adverse effects of neglecting children’s emotional needs, imposing career choices, and enforcing conservative restrictions on academic pursuits. These stories also shed light on societal norms in Kashmir, where gender bias significantly shapes decisions regarding education and careers.
“I aspired to study in Kerala, but conservative parental views confined me to the University of Kashmir,” a student from the University of Kashmir, speaking anonymously, said. “My brother, being a boy, faces no such restrictions. This reflects the prevailing gender bias in Kashmir.”
“I am always a second priority at home,” claimed an engineering student at the Islamic University of Science and Technology in Awantipora. “My emotional needs are ignored, with my parents dismissing my feelings and attributing it to my gender. This dismissive attitude towards my emotions is disheartening.”
These narratives not only portray individual struggles but also spotlight a broader societal issue—neglect of mental health. They underscore the urgency for a shift in parenting paradigms, emphasising understanding and support for children’s dreams while considering both academic pursuits and mental well-being.
Inadequate Parenting
Focusing on understanding, support, and open communication is imperative. The consequences of inadequate parenting underscore the importance of thoughtful consideration of how parental choices impact the mental well-being and aspirations of their children.
Supporting these personal narratives, a meta-analysis by the International Journal of Child and Adolescent Health underscores an alarming surge in mental health issues among children exposed to toxic parenting. This comprehensive analysis, aggregating data from diverse global studies, consistently associates toxic parenting behaviours with elevated risks of anxiety, depression, and behavioural disorders in children.
Besides, a longitudinal study conducted by the Child Development Institute over a decade and involving thousands of participants delved into the impact of parental expectations on children’s mental health. The study reveals a clear correlation between unrealistic parental expectations and heightened stress levels in children, contributing to enduring mental health challenges.
These research findings underscore the critical need to address toxic parenting behaviours and their far-reaching impact on children’s mental well-being. The convergence of academic expectations, career coercion, and societal norms compounds the challenges faced by today’s youth, necessitating a comprehensive parenting approach that prioritises emotional support, open communication, and an understanding of individual aspirations.
Defiant Children
At the University of Kashmir, a student shared her experience. “My parents wanted me to become a doctor,” she said. However, despite their efforts, she pursued entrance examinations for JNU and JMI Delhi in the field of law, a field she was genuinely interested in. She revealed that when her NEET results were disappointing, her parents insisted she drop a year and resume NEET preparations, which took a toll on her mental and physical health.
Recounting that spending three to four months at home was the lowest point in her life. She was uncertain about her future. Eventually, she mentioned that her parents reconsidered and allowed her to pursue her dream career in law.
Despite being admitted to her dream course at the University of Kashmir, she admitted that her past experiences with anxiety and depression linger. She pondered that had her parents understood her aspirations earlier, perhaps her mental sharpness would have been preserved. Even now, over a year later, she acknowledged grappling with thoughts of giving up, haunted by the fact that her parents initially opposed her dreams, turning into adversaries.
‘Foster’ Parenting
Aiman Lateef, a student, shared a poignant story about a close relative. At a tender age, this child was sent away from home to live with relatives who, unfortunately, subjected her to both school demands and menial household chores. While most children revel in the joys of childhood, playing and spending time with their immediate family, this child was burdened with the responsibilities of a homemaker.
Assigned tasks like washing clothes and cleaning the house, her efforts went unappreciated, and she faced unjust blame for perceived inadequacies. These circumstances took a toll, plunging her into a deepening sense of despair and depression.
During a visit from her parents, they noticed her unwell state and reluctance to attend school. Concerned, they sought medical attention, leading to a diagnosis of clinical depression when she was just eleven years old.
Rather than pursuing proper treatment and understanding, her parents chose to suppress her condition, asserting that depression was not a topic for discussion. This approach fostered a harmful stigma, with people labelling her as “mad” and “frustrated.” Frightened and unable to confide in anyone, her self-confidence plummeted.
In another conversation, Zarnain, a postgraduate student, expressed her aspirations to continue her studies despite her family’s insistence on her marriage after completing her degree. She strives to persuade them, envisioning an independent future to avoid being perceived as a burden by her future husband.
Insights from Experts
Dr Tasleema, the Dean of the School of Education and Behavioural Science in Kashmir, observes parents compelling their children into specific career paths, like medicine or engineering, often overlooking their inherent capabilities. High expectations are set without due consideration for the children’s interests and potential. While physical health is prioritised, mental well-being is often neglected. Tasleema emphasises the importance of avoiding unnecessary competition among peers.
Shahid Shabir, a Srinagar resident, recounts a firsthand experience with a neighbour’s family, noting his parents’ constant quarrels that impacted him. Growing up amidst struggles, the teenager now exhibits aggressive behaviour, even resorting to physical violence. Shabir suggests that society should hold parents accountable for the consequences of their disputes on their child rather than blaming the child.
Dr Bilal, a lecturer at the Islamic Studies department at the University of Kashmir, challenges the perception that toxic parenting is exclusively a Western concept. According to Islam, children are not possessions, yet some parents coerce them into actions not aligned with their best interests. Dr Bilal emphasises the importance of recognising the rights and responsibilities of both parents and children as outlined in Islam.
Aisha Jahangir, a child advocate, believes toxic parenting adversely impacts children. She asserts that parents imposing expectations contribute to a rise in suicide cases. In Kashmir, women are often restricted from studying or working outside the region. Jahangir urges parents to recognise their children as their flesh and blood, understanding their ambitions rather than suppressing their dreams. Creating awareness among parents is deemed crucial for fostering a better understanding of their children.
